she woke up with a sticky ear
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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