My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Randomize
