wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
