I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
