By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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