I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
