So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I am in a vortex of obligation.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
