Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
