I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
