i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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