I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
