If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
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