and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
