my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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