You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I smell stomach acid.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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