so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
