My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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