I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
