I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
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Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
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My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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