i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
