Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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