I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
