Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
