When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
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I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
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Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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