I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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