have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
