I faked an abortion last night.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
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