Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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