I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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