I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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