Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
