i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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