The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
