Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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