I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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