apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
