so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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