Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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