I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
