Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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