Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
