I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
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He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
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My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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