And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
We named our party play list daddy issues
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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