Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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