my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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