Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
