drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
