I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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