I am midnight drunk by noon
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
