he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
