I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My breath smells like gin and sadness
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
