Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
