it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
