remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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