I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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