two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
